Written by: Eddie Ramos

Feeling Frustrated

Many times in the last six years since living in LA I found myself frustrated by the fact that I wasn’t where I wanted to be in my career, my love life, and my overall happiness.

I went through my life until recently on a sort of auto-pilot. I assumed that because I had gotten to a certain point in my life, that I knew what I was doing. To a certain degree, my mind was right. I had survived a horrendous car crash and rediscovered my relationship to God.

I had pushed myself my senior year of college and got a manager that spring, which allowed me to move to Los Angeles that summer. I had ended one relationship and entered another that lasted four amazing years.

Searching For More

I was all set, yet I wanted more. There was something inside of me that needed to be examined. Because on the other side of these successes, there was pain, shame, and guilt. These negative emotions caused me to do things that I was not proud of.

Both the good and the bad came from years of foundational work in my childhood and teenage years. These tendencies became my patterns.

The Way Forward Is Through

In order to go deeper, I needed to recognize these actions not as singular moments, but as patterns that showed up at various stages in my life over and over again.

Often my patterns showed up when I felt fear, unsafe, pain, lack of clarity, and was very much in my ego. Although these patterns can seem like they are there to keep you from feeling all of these things, when left unexamined they can have the reverse effect and perpetuate and exacerbate these emotions.

Identify Your Specific Patterns

Not all patterns are created equal. The intricate detail in the way a rose petal grows from inside itself is mesmerizing as the waves are on a beach. Yet, drinking myself numb as a way to handle pain is a pattern I can do without.

I won’t say that now that I can see my patterns, that I won’t repeat the same behaviors. That would really be shooting myself in the foot. Life happens and there are ups and downs and darkness can creep in at any time. However, now that I have brought awareness to them, it’s like I can see them before they are happening or my body alerts me to them when they are occurring.

I no longer lack the ability to control the amount of time I stick to a certain pattern, be it good or bad. Living consciously of my patterns offers me the power to remain in a pattern for as long as it feels good to me.

Pro Tip: A simple way to know whether you are in alignment with yourself or not is to notice if you are happy.

I may always struggle with good habits and bad habits, healthy patterns, and toxic ones. Life is an endless cycle of ebbs and flows, but awareness of it makes me worry less when I am inside these valleys. For I know a day will come when I am on top of the mountain once again.

Autobiography in Five Short Chapters

So below, is a poem written by Portia Nelson that my therapist recently gave me. I think it describes the very peace we can get from recognizing our patterns and that from becoming aware of them we can avoid or get deeper with them at will.

Chapter 1

I walk down the street.

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I fall in

I am lost…I am hopeless.

It isn’t my fault.

It takes forever to find a way out.

Chapter 2

I walk down the same street.

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I pretend I don’t see it.

I fall in again.

I can’t believe I am in this same place.

But it isn’t my fault.

It still takes a long time to get out.

Chapter 3

I walk down the same street.

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I see it there.

I still fall in…it’s a habit… but,

my eyes are open.

I know where I am.

It is my fault.

I get out immediately.

Chapter 4

I walk down the same street.

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I walk around it.

Chapter 5

I walk down another street.

Hope you enjoy this poem! What are your beliefs around patterns that keep you stuck in life? Share them in the comments section.